60+ Funny Mom Affirmations (Witty & Hilarious!) 

Being a mom, I’ve come to realize that finding humor in the everyday hustle is not just important, it’s essential. It’s the magical ingredient that turns spilled cereal into confetti and tantrums into a test of my dramatic gasp abilities. 

Here’s a list of 65 funny mom affirmations to bring a smile to your face. I hope these will inspire you to take it easy and embrace the chaos with a smile.

I’m not a regular mom, I’m a cool mom.

My patience lasts longer than my phone battery. Barely, but it counts.

I can hear a baby crying from three aisles away, but can’t find my phone in my purse.

I run on caffeine, chaos, and cuss words.

I’ve got this “mom thing” down to a science…a mad science.

I’m a multitasking superhero. But where’s my cape?

My favorite yoga pose is downward-facing dog…because I’m always picking up toys.

I’m the queen of the castle, even if it is made of Lego.

I deserve a medal for not losing my cool today. Or at least a cookie.

I’m fluent in toddler and sarcasm.

I can cook a gourmet meal with one hand and change a diaper with the other.

I’m probably late because I was enjoying my last minute of peace.

My kids think I have eyes in the back of my head. Let’s not correct them.

I’m the world’s okayest mom, and I’m okay with that.

I’m not a snack machine. Oh, who am I kidding? Yes, I am.

I can carry all the groceries in one trip. Challenge accepted.

My laundry pile is bigger than my to-do list.

I can survive on leftover chicken nuggets and cold coffee.

I’ve got a PhD in parenting. Just kidding, I’m making it up as I go.

I’m too tired to think of an affirmation. That’s an affirmation, right?

I can find anything in my purse without looking. It’s my superpower.

I know all the words to every Disney song. And yes, I will sing them.

I’m not saying I’m Wonder Woman. I’m just saying no one has ever seen me and Wonder Woman in the same room.

My kids are wild, but I’m wilder.

I’m pretty sure I’m nailing this “mom life” thing.

My mom game is strong… just like my coffee.

I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.

I’ve got stretch marks and I’m proud of them. They’re my tiger stripes.

I can’t keep a plant alive, but look at my kids, thriving!

I’m the CEO of my house.

I’m rocking this mom bun and yoga pants like it’s my job.

My purse is a black hole, but somehow I find everything.

I’m not a snack. Stop asking me for food.

I deserve a gold star for parenting today.

I’m on my last nerve, but I’m still fabulous.

I’m the world’s best finder of lost toys.

I’m not a morning person, but my kids didn’t get the memo.

I don’t sweat the small stuff…because I’m too busy worrying about my kids.

I’m like a ninja when it comes to sneaking veggies into meals.

I’m not perfect, but my kids think I’m pretty great.

I’m a mom, what’s your superpower?

I can fix anything with a kiss and a band-aid.

I’m not saying I’m a superhero, but I’ve never seen me and Batmom in the same room.

My house isn’t messy, it’s custom designed by my kids.

I’m not old, I’m vintage.

I’m a snack goddess in the eyes of my children.

I’m more badass than a 3-year-old with a sharpie.

I’m not arguing, I’m just mom-plaining.

I can hold a baby, talk on the phone, and cook dinner at the same time.

I’m not crazy, I’m just a mom.

I can outlast any toddler tantrum. Bring it on.

I’m not a hero, I’m a high-functioning mom.

I’m the queen of unfinished coffee.

My kids think I’m magical… I just hid the batteries.

I’m not a miracle worker, but I can see why you might think that.

I’m not bossy, I’m the boss.

I’m not losing my mind, my kids are just borrowing it indefinitely.

My kids are making memories. That’s why my house is messy.

I’m not just a mom, I’m a mom with a sense of humor.

I’m the glue holding this circus together.

I’ve got this “adulting” thing down… Oh, wait, where are my keys?

I’m not lazy, I’m in energy-saving mode.

I’m a mom, what’s your superpower?

I’m not late, I’m just running on mom time.

I’m not saying I’m a saint, but I haven’t sold my kids to the circus…yet.

Conclusion

In the heartwarming chaos that is motherhood, remember that a splash of humor goes a long way. These 65 funny mother affirmations are your reminder to laugh amidst the ups and downs of motherhood. Keep laughing, keep loving, and keep rocking motherhood with a grin!