140+ Funny New Year Quotes to Start 2024 Laughing

Do you like funny New Year’s quotes as much as I do? As the clock ticks down to midnight and we bid farewell to the past year, there’s no better way to ring in the New Year than with a burst of laughter.

After all, laughter is the universal language that bridges gaps, warms hearts, and yes can even make that awkward New Year’s Eve party slightly less cringe.

Here are 148 funny New Year quotes that will bring a smile to your face and make you laugh in 2024.

I’ve also turned my favorite quotes into images for you to enjoy.

Funny New Year Quotes

Funny New Year's Quote

“I can’t believe it’s been a year since I didn’t become a better person.” – Unknown

“New Year’s Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.” – James Agate

“May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions!” – Joey Adams

“Many people look forward to the new year for a new start on old habits.” – Unknown

“Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.” – Bill Vaughan

“A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.” – Unknown

“Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.” – Oscar Wilde

“I’ve got a New Year’s resolution: I’m ridding my life of all excess. So, I started by throwing out the calendar.” – Unknown

“My New Year’s resolution is to stop lying to myself about making lifestyle changes.” – Unknown

“New Year’s Day now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.” – Mark Twain

“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” – Steven Wright (New Year’s writing resolution)

“New Year’s is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don’t want you reusing last year’s calendar.” – Unknown

“I would say happy New Year, but it’s not happy; it’s exactly the same as last year except colder.” – Robert Clark

“Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.” – Oprah Winfrey (ironic if you didn’t get it right)

“My New Year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.” – Unknown

“An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.” – Bill Vaughan

“May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.” – Arnold H. Glasow

“My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.” – Unknown

“New Year’s Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.” – Jay Leno

“Making resolutions is a cleansing ritual of self-assessment and repentance that demands personal honesty and, ultimately, reinforces humility. Breaking them is part of the cycle.” – Eric Zorn

Funny New Year's Quote

“The only thing I don’t want to forget when I’m making my New Year’s resolution is to remember to forget what I can’t change.” – Unknown

“My New Year’s resolution list usually starts with the desire to lose between 10 and 3,000 pounds.” – Nia Vardalos

“Let’s make a New Year’s resolution to fix the broken promises of last year.” – Unknown

“I would lose weight for my New Year’s resolution, but I hate losing.” – Unknown

“New Year’s Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.” – Mark Twain 

“I’m planning on finding new and interesting things to hate about my job in the coming year.” – Unknown

“If you’re born in September, it’s pretty safe to assume your parents started their new year with a bang.” – Unknown

“I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.” – Unknown

“New Year’s Day is every man’s birthday.” – Charles Lamb 

“I don’t make resolutions because I don’t like to disappoint myself.” – Unknown

“So … Now … we say goodbye to the Old Year and welcome in the New Year. Wait. Wasn’t the old one new just last year?” – Unknown

“My wife still hasn’t told me what my New Year’s resolutions are.” – Unknown

“I’m still waiting for the day that all of my New Year’s resolutions will be accomplished by someone else.” – Unknown

“A dog’s New Year’s resolution: I will not chase that stick unless I actually see it leave his hand!” – Unknown

“Why do we feel the need to start diets on New Year’s Day when Valentine’s Day is just around the corner?” – Unknown

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“The only time to be positive you’ve got a clear path is when you’re on the edge of a cliff.” – Unknown (motivational and funny for the New Year)

“New Year, same me — because I’m already pretty fabulous.” – Unknown

“New Year’s Day: The day we remind our computers to update the year.” – Unknown

“Every New Year I resolve to lose 20 pounds, and I do. The problem is that I gain 30.” – Melanie White

“I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It’s a nice reminder of what I did all year.” – Bridger Winegar

Funny New Year's Quote

“My New Year’s resolution was going to be to quit all my bad habits, but then it occurred to me – no one likes a quitter.” – Unknown

“For last year’s words belong to last year’s language. And next year’s words await another voice.” – T.S. Eliot (funny because we keep repeating ourselves)

“I would quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.” – Unknown

“My New Year’s resolution is to break my New Year’s resolutions. That way I succeed at something!” – Unknown

“May the New Year bring you courage to break your resolutions early!” – Aleister Crowley

“I was going to include ‘quit daydreaming’ to my New Year’s resolutions, but then I realized that would be counterproductive.” – Unknown

Of course! Continuing within your guidelines, here are quotes 51-75:

“The only thing I’m dropping this New Year is the ball.” – Unknown

“My New Year’s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.” – Unknown

“My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my TV.” – Unknown

“The New Year begins in a snow-storm of white vows.” – George William Curtis

“The only time to be positive you’ve got a clear path is when you’re on the edge.” – Unknown

“A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.” – Anonymous

“I’m opening a gym called ‘Resolutions.’ For the first two weeks it’s a gym, afterward it turns into a bar for the rest of the year.” – Unknown

“Out with the old, in with the new, may you be happy the whole year through.” – Unknown (funny because it never happens)

“My resolution is to spend less time working which I’ve accomplished by doing all my work ahead of time… now what?” – Unknown

“This New Year, may your right hand always be stretched out in friendship, never in want. Unless you’re asking for a loan.” – Unknown

“I don’t know where I’ll be on New Year’s Eve. I just know I’ll be full of indecision.” – Unknown

“May your mirror reflection charm you, may what others see in you enchant them, may somebody cherish you enough to forget your shortcomings.” – Unknown (because who are we kidding)

Funny New Year's Quote

“A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one Year and out the other.” – Unknown

“If you make a New Year’s resolution to eat a healthy diet, and you keep it, you won’t actually live longer, it will just seem longer.” – Greg Tamblyn

“It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets.” – William Thomas

“New Year’s Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.” – Unknown

“January is the Monday of months.” – Unknown

“The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot.” – Michael Altshuler (funny because most of us are bad pilots)

“I’m actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year.” – Unknown

“My resolution is to spend less time wishing things weren’t the way they are.” – Unknown

“Why is the year you were born always the coldest and hardest winter on record?” – Unknown

“New Year’s is a time to better ourselves for a better world. So this year my resolution is to become more superstitious.” – Unknown

“If you make a New Year’s resolution, you’re resolving to change an outcome without changing the underlying behavior. How’s that been working for you?” – Unknown

“The only way to survive a family holiday party is to become a kid again: overeat, nap, and then wake up ready to play.” – Unknown (Holiday season leading to New Year)

“The only thing I gained last year was weight.” – Unknown

“This year I plan to be as useless as the ‘g’ in lasagna.” – Unknown

“New Year’s resolutions are a ‘to-do’ list for the first week of January.” – Unknown

“May your New Year’s resolution be high definition”- Unknown

“Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn’t it, of a long line of proven criminals?” – Ogden Nash

“Last year’s resolution was to lose 20 pounds by Christmas. Only 30 pounds to go.” – Unknown

“I was going to quit all my bad habits for the New Year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.” – Unknown

“I like New Years. The confetti covers up my dandruff.” – Melanie White

“A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one ear and out the other.” – Unknown

“I don’t have a new year’s resolution. You don’t need that crap when you’re perfect.” – Unknown

Funny New Year's Quote

“New Year’s is the time to make promises you intend to break by February and blame it on the workload.” – Unknown

“My New Year’s resolution is to stop feeling guilty about not keeping last year’s resolution.” – Unknown

“Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means you have met your New Year’s resolution.” – Jay Leno

“My New Year’s Resolution is to stop procrastinating. I’m not starting until next week, though.” – Unknown

“New Year’s Resolution: To make vague promises to myself that I have no intention of keeping.” – Unknown

“For a change, let’s only resolve to be ourselves this year!” – Unknown

“I was going to include good health and happiness in my New Year wishes this year, but nobody likes a show-off.” – Unknown

“I’ve only got one New Year’s resolution: to make sure I keep my friends closer, my enemies closer, and the TV remote closest.” – Unknown

“I’m planning on finding new and interesting things to hate about my job in the coming year.” – Unknown

“Why do we need bowls of confetti and silly string for New Year’s Eve? Isn’t the new year itself messy enough?” – Unknown

“The year is new, the hopes are new, the aspirations are new, but my warm wishes for happiness and prosperity remain the same for you and your family. Happy New Year. Wish it was as easy as that!” – Unknown

“This New Year, may you make the attempt to trim and clean your Social Media accounts.” – Unknown

“If you make a mistake in your resolution, just shrug it off and consider it a year well spent!” – Unknown

“New Year’s Eve is when all the fun and festivities are. New Year’s Day is when you pay for it. Why not just sleep through both?” – Unknown

“I think I made too many New Year’s resolutions this year. It took me almost a full day to break them all.” – Unknown

“My New Year’s resolution is 1080p.” – Unknown

“New Year’s resolutions are annual good intentions we have every right to break.” – Unknown

“If you want an interesting party sometime, combine cocktails and a fresh box of crayons for everyone.” – Robert Fulghum (in the context of New Year’s fun)

“New Year’s Day is the first blank page of a 365-page book. Write a good one, and then don’t read it because you’ll just get distracted.” – Unknown

Funny New Year's Quote

“I don’t know about you, but my resolution is to stop getting caught evading my resolutions.” – Unknown

“You can’t control the past, but you can control where you go next.” – Kirsten Hubbard 

“You say you’re supposed to be the bigger person? At this rate, by next year, I’ll be enormous!” – Unknown

“This year, I’m going to be a much better eBay bidder.” – Unknown

“My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape. I choose round.” – Unknown

“This year, I resolve to make better bad decisions.” – Unknown

“You know you’re old when you watch the New Year’s countdown just to make sure it happens.” – Unknown

“I’ve already set the microwave timer for the New Year’s countdown. Efficient, right?” – Unknown

“A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other, but at least it’s consistent.” – Unknown

“I’ve been doing New Year’s Eve long enough to know the key ingredient is elastic waistbands.” – Unknown

“Why are they called resolutions and not ‘new year’s hopeful thinking?'” – Unknown

“I always carry a lighter in my back pocket. I’m not a smoker; I just really like certain songs.” – Demetri Martin (in the context of New Year’s celebrations)

“People treat New Year’s like some sort of life-changing event. If your life sucked last year, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow.” – Unknown

“This New Year, may you make all the mistakes at once to get them all out of your system.” – Unknown

“For my new year’s resolution, I promise to stop correcting your terrible spelling and focus more on your horrific grammar.” – Unknown

“My New Year’s resolution is to procrastinate more. I’ll start tomorrow.” – Unknown

“I love New Year’s Day! Today, I can tell everyone I haven’t seen all year, ‘I haven’t seen you all year!'” – Unknown

“I resolve to work with neglected children. My kids are going to be furious.” – Unknown

“New Year, same me—because I’m already fabulous.” – Unknown

“This year, I was going to make the resolution to be myself, but I’m not sure who that is yet.” – Unknown

Certainly! Here are the final 25 funny New Year’s quotes, 126-150:

“If you messed up last year, there are 364 more days to mess up this year too.” – Unknown

“My resolution this year is to avoid any situation that requires me to wear pants.” – Unknown

Funny New Year's Quote

“This New Year, let’s make a pact to make better mistakes.” – Unknown

“I was going to make a joke about how I plan to see the next year, but hindsight is always better.” – Unknown

“I resolve to finally get around to doing that ‘life admin’ I’ve been putting off. After the holidays. Maybe.” – Unknown

“New Year’s Resolution: Catch up on sleep… maybe around March.” – Unknown

“New Year’s resolutions are like babies. Fun to make but hard to maintain.” – Unknown

“If your luck is bad this New Year, just be glad you’re not a snowman. Poof!” – Unknown

“I can’t believe it’s been a year since I didn’t become a better person. Time to give it another shot!” – Unknown

“New Year’s resolutions are just second chances to break last year’s promises.” – Unknown

“This year, I will live in the moment unless it’s unpleasant, in which case I’ll eat a cookie.” – Unknown

“The New Year is like a toddler—messy, noisy, and you’re never really sure what they’re going to do next.” – Unknown

“This New Year, let’s make a resolution to appreciate puns and bad jokes—they’re groan-ups too!” – Unknown

“Your New Year’s resolution is to go to the gym? Mine is to not lose my gym card so I don’t have to pay the fee again.” – Unknown

“Happy New Year! (Spoiler alert: Same me.)” – Unknown

“I’ve always wanted to ring in the New Year by telling time to stop messing around.” – Unknown

“Why bother with resolutions when you could just wish everyone a ‘Meh’ New Year and call it a day?” – Unknown

“This New Year, I’m just hoping the ‘me’ I’m pretending to be is the ‘me’ I become.” – Unknown

“New Year’s Day is a great time to start making your annual mistakes.” – Unknown

“This New Year, remember that ‘organized’ is just a word for people who aren’t too lazy to clean up after their messes.” – Unknown

“I remember last year like it was yesterday.” – Unknown

“In the New Year, may your right hand always be stretched out in friendship, but never in want. Unless you’re reaching for pizza.” – Unknown

“New Year’s is like a restart button. Use it to start things over.” – Unknown (funny because we rarely actually restart anything)

“Why don’t we ever ask what happened to the ‘old you’ when someone says, ‘New Year, New Me?'” – Unknown

“This year, may your hair and teeth be real, and your selfies not.” – Unknown

I hope you enjoyed these funny New Year’s quotes. Whether you’re celebrating new beginnings or just in need of a laugh, I hope these quotes added a bit of joy to your celebration. Here’s to starting the year with humor and a smile. Happy New Year!

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